indebtedness and hibernation

I can give. I can totally make cookies and casseroles; I can take pictures and babysit. But I can't handle the feeling of knowing how big I "owe" someone. The irony is, as we all know, that when you truly love someone, you never consider any of the giving you do. Never count it, never add it up, never keep track.

But, oh, the minute I owe someone. It's like a sticky note taped to the front of my brain. I count it and re-count it; add it and re-add it, repeatedly wondering how to make it up to them. Hypothetically speaking, how many chocolate melts do you give someone when you're gone an hour and a half longer than you said? And they have your child, and take her trick-or-treating to a Halloween party for you?

Oh, please, someone give me the correct answer. Because now every time I think about it (which, with the sticky note, is pretty often) I want to crawl under a chair and hibernate.

deserve an explanation

Yeah, so, about the whole picking-up-wherever-I-want business. I guess that means I should mention...

1. Scott's graduation: It was marvelous. Pictures to come.
2. Visit by the Weed clan: Also, quite marvelous. Not many pictures, unfortunately -- spent more time chatting.
3. Visit with the Grawrocks and new baby Gavin: A quick but very nice trip. That is one cute baby!
4. Scott's birthday: he's 29. Wow.
5. Uhhhh, I swear we did other stuff this summer. I'll get back to you on that.

Well, with that detailed update, I guess it's time to move on to an honest analysis of why I've been such a lazy blogger. And don't say you don't care. I know it keeps you up at night, so there's no point in pretending.

As the facts stand, life is rather hum-drum at the moment -- and that's putting it sweetly. I think I've mostly recovered from this funk, but it's been a Big, Bad Funk; and I've been wimpier than my usual flighty self. And more emotional.

Scott is currently using his master's degree to rock the world of Lindon's Home Depot. They pretty much take him for granted and pay him accordingly. I know it's not the end of the world, but after putting in 6 years of marriage and schooling I'd really planned on living ...anywhere but Provo. I'd planned on us working ...anywhere but Home Depot.

The Lord has consistently taken my plans, surpressed a laugh, and shown me a much better way for things to be. I have no doubt the same will happen again. But in the interim, my pride gets injured -- which I think is part of the Lord's agenda. I think I'm learning to be comfortable in the Lord's hands, to have peace in the waiting and that I am showing the greatest level of trust when I relax enough to be cheerful -- even if it's a rather determined cheerfulness.

So, sorry for my withdrawl. Going inside myself is the only place I felt comfortable finding strength. I believe there is greater strength in good, close associations coupled with solitude than in myself alone. But I have been wary to share, wary to trust. I don't think this is how the Lord would have me be. It's the only way I've known how to be. I hope to change this about myself, but I do think it's going to be quite the gradual change -- things like this don't happen over night, no matter how much I'd wish it so.

Diary of a Young Woman

Dedicated to my cute wife!

For those of you who do not know our story, I will give you a brief synopsis of how we met. My family moved into the same ward that Mickelle's family attended. The year was 1994, 4 days after Mickelle turned 12. With her Mom in Relief Society, my Mom in Young Women's and my Dad in the Bishopric, our two families were intertwined a bit. Mickelle had the same Sunday School class as my younger sisters - Kimmie and Kammie. Mickelle moved out of the ward in December 1996 and we thought it was good-bye.
In September 2002 we were reunited via our mutual friend Michele and I had no recollection of knowing the Costantinos. Long story short, I am still made fun of because each member in my family remembers Mickelle as a young woman and my memory starts when she is a grown woman.
In order to appease my curiosity as to what I am missing of the young Mickelle, I dug up her diaries and opened the book given to her by her Grandma Britt for Christmas 1994. On the first page is a note from Kimmie saying "You're a real good friend", next was Kammie's "You're the best in being nice", clear evidence that Kimmie and Kammie knew Mickelle and I was out of the loop.
As I continued to read my love for this dear cute Mickelle grew as I read of her growing personality and of her testimony. I will only share this one thing about it, as I am sure she will already be embarrassed that I am blogging about the young Mickelle: in March 1994 she was having a sleepover with her cousins during Spring break and she wrote "I went to bed, but being not tired and unable to turn on the light (Corey already asleep in Jodie's room, where I was) I prayed that the person's light in the backyard would come on. It Did! No Coincidence! Just more testimony"
I love that Mickella! She's darling!