Not that things are terribly negative, mind you, but it's the haze that bugs me. I want to remember with clarity, precision. I want to remember so vividly that I feel I could slip back into that old skin and be perfectly at home.
What is there to remember?
- Betsy accidentally locking herself in the bathroom, whining, and declaring, "It's annoying!"
- Same forthright daughter announcing, "It's boring!" half way through every car trip -- and sometimes before she's even buckled in!
- This delicate, sensitive life inside me, gliding and kicking in her own distinct way, preparing all of us for her arrival
- How delightful this spring has been. I thought it would never come.
- The waves of (job-related) hopelessness -- the way they wash in, crash ashore, and then recede. What it feels like to try to put your hope back together afterward, wondering if the actual truth, the truth-of-the-truth lies more in the pessimistic waves or the stories you tell yourself after a good night's rest, and knowing it's best to just not think about it.
- Can't control economy. Can't control Home Depot (current job). Can't control professors. Can control our reactions. That's all.
- Betsy telling us "I'm tiny, too!" when we talk about the upcoming baby sister. This could get interesting.
- Feeling out of place in our student ward, but equally misplaced in our quirky little family ward. Where on earth do I belong? Please, Lord, just let me belong somewhere. In some aspect of my life.
- The way your spouse becomes your total salvation, your total joy and consolation in circumstances like these, how you cling together as never before
- The knowledge that apparently, the world can fall apart. But your marriage won't. Somehow it almost feels worth it, just to know that so assuredly.
- Leaving things on the Lord's plate simply because mine is too full
- Incessant anxiety about if I've done everything I should to grow a healthy baby, and how she already perceives this world to be, and if she forgives me for being the stressball I am, because I know it wreaks havoc on her sometimes
- Knowing answers will come, but not for many more months perhaps. Knowing you and your spouse might not see quite eye-to-eye until the Lord finally gives his input on important decisions that aren't to be made for a while yet
- Wondering what it means when everything lines up perfect, perfect, perfect, perfect... and then the world sends you free-falling. Did we misread the signs? How does 1+1+1+1=0?
- Betsy getting so big she often insists on "reading" books to herself now, and how it thrills and devastates me all in the same breath
- The continual name hunt, searching for a perfect fit for our tiny "baby sissah"
- Betsy singing so many new, fun songs to herself! She had the first verse of "Five Little Monkeys" down pat after just a night with Aunt Michele!
- Sending Betsy to timeout on an almost-daily basis, but always going in to find her pointing to Jesus. Then she talks with me about him, ending with, "I happy."
On second thought, I'm not sure I'd want to slip back into this little pocket of time, years from now. It kinda bites sometimes. But I'd happily slip back in for select moments -- moments of pure tenderness with my spouse, and thrilling two-year-old bliss with the sweetest wonder-toddler I know.
6 comments:
It's amazing how you can want life to speed up and slow down all at the same time--each for their own reason. The blessings are there. Just around the corner. Hang on! There is just a bit of learning time before whatever the Lord has in mind is ready for you.
You know, I just remembered something. When I had graduated from BYU unmarried, I went home and found a job. I hoped there would be some prospects there, but absolutely NOTHING was panning out for me. Even the job I had at the time was something anyone could do--whether they had a Bachelor's degree or not. I just couldn't understand why things weren't going the way I had planned. I had a conversation with my brother, who is a year and a half older than I am. I remember asking what was wrong with me. I was doing every single thing I was supposed to do, and yet NOTHING was working out. My brother said something that I didn't like at the time, but that I really like in retrospect--he said, "Maybe it's not that you haven't been patient. Just that you haven't been patient for long enough." Well, within a few months, things started coming together. I decided to serve a mission, while I was gone, my parents moved to UT--into the stake with the singles' ward where I met my husband. And, really, the story has (so far) been much better than I ever could have planned. Everything I had in mind has been far exceeded by being patient (not perfectly patient--I've certainly done my fair share of complaining)--but by trying to be patient to see the Lord's works unfolding.
I know that you know everything I just told you. But, sometimes, it just helps to have someone say it again. :) Hang in there!
Life is hard when you're just starting out, isn't it? I wouldn't want to slip back to this time either. It's just so hard. But those shining moments with our husbands and children are what make it all worth it.
Just recently, Joshua called me "Ma" for the first time. I could have jumped to the moon! It didn't matter then that I work so much I only see him 2 hours a day. It didn't matter that our bills are so much that we can only make minimum payments sometimes. My son knows who I am! Hallelujah!
Not sure why I went off on that tangent. But yeah, know that I can sympathize, and as long as we remain faithful, the Lord will provide. Of that I have no doubt.
You're in my prayers, my friend. Let me know if you want to get together for a playdate someday :)
Mickelle this is why I love you - you're honest and upfront about things, but also show optimism and hope (even though the job situation feels hopeless right now). As I'm reading your blog and the comments on here I realize that this learning is universal (not to diminish your personal trial).
In Chinese they have this saying "Jia You, 加油" for "keep going or keep on truckin." But it literally means "add oil." I love that because we can easily see scriptural reference there. Add the oil bit by bit get where we need to be with a full lamp.
Love you girl! Jia you!
This stuff isn't just helpful to you, it's helpful for me to.
You're posts are always things I look forward to reading because there is a freeness to them that I love. I read the responses that people made and I can't really add anything new to them, just know that I love you and I love your little family and I will be so happy for you when everything finally pans out and the waiting can end.
I want to say something profound here that you will remember for the rest of eternity, but nothing is coming. So I will just say I Love You, I am proud of you, and I am glad you are my daughter, and the wonderful wife and mother to my son and grandaughter that you are.
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